


decay

by paradisedise



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Blood, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, dont read this tbh, its just sad theres literally no happiness, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 21:19:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10447767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradisedise/pseuds/paradisedise
Summary: he was destined to fade into the background, to pale in comparison to others, to be completely average.





	

**Author's Note:**

> tw for suicidal thoughts, self-harm, blood

everything was too much for taeyong. time passed too quickly but too slowly at the same and it was like everything and everyone around him was moving on without him. his friends, his family, his bandmates, everyone was going to forget about him. they already were, mark was the group’s rapper, couldn’t sing like taeil, ten was a better dancer, jaehyun was better looking, he had nothing. nothing made him special and nothing ever did. he was fucking stupid for ever thinking there was something that set him apart from others. he was destined to fade into the background, to pale in comparison to others, to be completely average.

though, he was below average really. dreadful, completely worthless if he could say so himself. no one he knew would ever tell him he was anything but delightful but none of that mattered. those were empty words, in one ear and out another. it was the words he told himself that hurt the most, that made him feel like he was worthless, deserved the pain, that he should die and leave everyone alone. 

they were on the way home from a performance, some dime a dozen festival that they were all exhausted from, but the car ride home was still chatty. ten and mark were speaking rapid english, jaehyun listening in, leaving him and doyoung behind. another thing he was fucking incompetent at. doyoung was interjecting in korean here and there, complaining that he was being left out, the only saving grace were the occasional translations from jaehyun. taeyong though, was sitting in the back corner of the van, completely forgotten. no wonder they weren’t including him in the conversation, there was nothing he could contribute anyway. times like these he found himself looking up mundane things on his phone, the tallest buildings in seoul, locomotive routes in korea, drug stores, things like that. they might seem random to others but they weren’t to taeyong.

“taeyongie?” he heard a voice sound in the car, suddenly realizing everyone was silent. “are you alright?”

it was jaehyun who was sitting next to him. of course it was, beautiful, flawless jaehyun. a golden boy, handsome, incredible voice, capable dancer, jaehyun. taeyong wanted to hate him with every fiber in his body for being everything he could never be. he couldn’t though, he could never hate jaehyun. 

rain was pattering against the window and the soft noise in the quiet of the van was the slightest bit comforting. was he alright, though? i guess it depends on what they might say alright is. is he alive? unfortunately, yes, though he didn’t think he would be for much longer. he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten a proper meal, though, or the last time he had gone more than a few minutes without thinking of a way to kill himself. it was like every time he closed his eyes there was an image of himself, on the edge of a roof, cold against the bathroom floor, or pale in the depths of an ocean. so was he alright? he wasn’t sure. their manager sure thought so though, when he begged to see a doctor. i guess after talking with some of the company higher-ups they decided he was fine, he didn’t need it. 

taeyong took that to heart. he didn’t need it, they were right. he was just a huge fucking baby who couldn’t handle stuff that everyone else was fine dealing with. his group mates were perfectly alright, smiling, laughing even despite the pressures of their lifestyles. he wondered what it was like to look in the mirror and not hate every inch of your body, or be debilitatingly disgusted with your smallest mistake. taeyong knew, once, what that was like. he couldn’t remember, though. it had been a couple moments before he realized he had forgot to answer jaehyun. there was a hand gripping his long sleeve and it stung. he flinched, wrenching his hand away from jaehyun and definitely taking the younger by surprised. taeyong pulled his cuff down, self-conscious. 

“taeyong?” jaehyun sounded taken aback and now the whole car, including their manager, was looking at him. fuck, what was he going to do? he had to be okay, had to put up this front. he knew they knew there was something wrong, that there was something deeply wrong for some time now. but it didn’t matter because taeyong was so fucking worthless that he didn’t want them to concern themselves with him. 

“i’m fine, jaehyunnie,” he muttered, unable to make eye contact. his chest hurt the entire ride home and the conversation had dwindled considerably. he was so atrocious that he ruined a completely normal ride. of course. maybe when he got out of the car he could run back into the road and let everyone go on with their lives. he couldn’t wait to get home.

he went straight to bed when they got back to the dorm. taeyong felt too weak to do anything else, so he let everyone else shower first. they filed in the shower one after another and taeyong watched as doyoung came back into their room, hair wet in clean. it was his turn finally. it felt like hours had passed since he had laid down but he couldn’t be sure. all he knew was that he was exhausted beyond belief. of course he couldn’t sleep. 

“it’s all yours,” doyoung said, seemingly oblivious to taeyong’s agony under the thick cover of the blankets. taeyong mumbled something in response, dragging himself out of bed and into the bathroom. getting back in bed was the thing he almost wanted the most. this was number one, though.

he turned the water on in the shower, simply to block out any noise he might make. taeyong stripped off his clothes and rummaged through one of the drawers, digging through all of the other members’ random knicknacks. buying some of these was an ordeal, he had to sneak away to the store and buy a package of them, covered in black clothes so no one recognized him. how silly, though, considering he was nobody. the clerk gave him a look when he brought them to the register, but thankfully they didn’t ask any questions so taeyong didn’t have to come up with some bullshit excuse. finally he found it, his favorite, shiny silver glinting in the fluorescent light. taeyong looked in the mirror and could have laughed. how ugly, he thought. his face was gaunt, his hair unhealthy, limbs too skinny. he could count his ribs, the knobs of his spine. thank god no one would ever see him. the marks on his body were another story.

the object in his hands was stained from last time he used it. apparently he hadn’t felt like cleaning it off last night. it didn’t even matter, though, because it got dirty every day, every time he stepped into the bathroom for a shower. tonight taeyong felt like using a new one, craving the fresh sharpness so he pulled a different one out of the box. he turned it over in his fingers, noticing the hole in the middle and the thick band around the top. he dragged it along the skin of his leg, a test, and was satisfied with the red that balled up along the line. it wasn’t enough, though. it wouldn’t be enough until his life was over. unfortunately he hadn’t the courage to get to that point yet. 

taeyong needed more. he wanted to see it drip down his leg, to watch it slide down and leave a red trail in it’s wake. something in the back of his mind ached for a hug, or at least some sort of attention. he shut it up though. the idea shouldn’t be entertained because taeyong didn’t deserve it. instead he let himself be comforted by the slide of the metal across his skin. he went slow at first, letting the blade glide against the skin of his legs, slicing over other wounds that were just freshly scabbed from last night. vertical stripes of crimson were beginning to paint their way down his skin and taeyong was satsified. he wasn’t even close to stopping. 

taeyong raked a dirty hand through his bleached hair, tinting it red as he pushed harder. the average person might not understand how he could stand to put himself through this pain but to taeyong it was relief. it stopped hurting a long time ago, now it was more about seeing his body mutilated, marred. he deserved it. he kept going, kept pressing it against his skin until fuck, that one was really bad. taeyong could see the bubbles of his appearing between the ridges of his skin and for a split second he was worried, knee jerk reaction to quick bandage it up. he was smarter than his instinct though and knew that this was perfect, this was what he needed. the next one was just as deep, if not deeper, and so was the one after that. and the one after that. liquid was pooling underneath him and it made taeyong dizzy.

feeling like he had done a number enough on his legs, he moved to his arms. thank god he could just put on some puppy dog eyes and beg for long sleeves from the stylists with some bullshit that he got cold easily. taeyong figured they felt bad enough for him anyway and couldn’t bear to say no. luckily for him, that made his wrists fair game. not even bothering with pointless shallow marks, he went straight to hard pressure on the delicate skin of his forearms. it was like anxiety was draining from him, making its way in rivulets onto the floor and his vision was starting to become fuzzy around the edges. he honestly hoped that he would press too hard, go too deep, and just end it all right there. that would be nice. taeyong leaned and lost his balance, slipping on the wet floor and hitting the tile hard. the room was filling up with steam from the warm water and he realized he had forgotten to lock the door like he always did. whatever, it’s not like anyone would come in anyway. 

slice after slice decorated his arms until his slick fingers dropped the blade and it flew a few feet away. he didn’t care, though, he was starting to lose strength and he was content just sitting against the bathroom wall until he was able to stand again, or at least pass out. he watched the liquid flow from his body and a sick wave of satisfaction came over him. there was blood pooling in the grout between the tiles and taeyong dragged a finger through it, studying it on the tip of his finger. he had no idea how long it had been, but he was starting to get sleepy. the cuts were still bleeding. 

a bucket of ice water got dumped on taeyong’s head when he heard a knock on the door and a voice sounding from between the cracks. there was light shining in from the hallway and he had to squint to look at it. “taeyong? can i come in?”

fuck, it was jaehyun. of course. jaehyun would see him and call an ambulance over something as stupid and silly as a little blood. this was nothing out of the ordinary, given it was worse than usual but still. taeyong deserved it, right? jaehyun should see him like this, should see what he truly was, trash on wet, red tile. taeyong was too tired to speak, to move, so he just sat there and let the blood flow and shower run. 

“taeyong? i need to use the bathroom. can i come in for just a second?” 

taeyong didn’t know what to do, but he was falling asleep as he was sitting there so it didn’t matter anyway. he heard the doorknob rustling and closed his eyes. the door creaked open and he heard a gasp, but he didn’t care. he didn’t care about anything, so he let sleep overtake him.

**Author's Note:**

> to be honest im just slipping back lately and worried about myself so i decided to project it onto taeyong in a fic! go me! so yeah sorry for this mess..


End file.
